The Bloodlessness of Disney: A Conversation with My Daughter

Me: So most of the Disney lead characters are orphans or have lost one parent?
Maggie: Yes.
Me: Uh huh. That’s sad to begin with but, except for Bambi’s mom, we don’t really witness it. Disney learned their lesson with that one. And the villains die in ways that hopefully won’t scare little kids, is that right?
Maggie: Wellll . . . maybe.
Me: Beauty and the Beast – Gaston. He falls.
Maggie: Yeah.
Me: We don’t see him land. Snow White – Evil Queen?
Maggie: Falls off a cliff.
Me: Ummm – Sleeping Beauty?
Maggie: Stabbed and falls off a cliff.
Me: Ah! Two for one. I remember the evil priest in Hunchback went out in flames. Anybody else?
Mags: Shere Khan is stabbed – Jungle Book.
Me: Blood?
Mags: I don’t think so.
Me: So there’s that. In the book, a stampede takes him out.
Mags: In Mulan, Shanyu was blown up by fireworks.
Me: Oh yeah – right! Although – still bloodless. But at least Mulan had both parents! I can’t remember – what happened to the bad guy in Aladdin?
Mags: Jafar was put in a lamp and thrown out the window.
Me: The Lion King?
Mags: Thrown off a cliff.
Me: Ok, so mostly falls, fire, and imprisonment? Some bloodless stabbing? What about Prince John from Robin Hood?
Mags: He went to jail. Cruella went to jail. But Mordu in Brave was crushed!
Me: Yeah, but did you see Mordu crushed? No blood?
Mags: No. But his ghost came out.
Me: Well, that’s handy. Ok, let’s summarize. Most animated Disney lead characters are orphans or half-orphans, except Mulan and Merida . . . probably Christopher Robin . . .
Mags: And The Incredibles!!
Me: Ok. And the villains are mostly eliminated in ways that are visually bloodless – Wait!! What about Ursula?
Mags: She got stabbed by a boat.
Me: There you go! Any blood?
Mags: No.
Me: Of course not.

Sufficiently Decaffeinated

Life has been crazy busy lately so a few months back I started dosing my morning java with a triple shot every day.

What’s that? You want the recipe for a quick and easy homemade triple? Okay – since one cup of instant coffee is a rounded teaspoon, you make a triple by dumping a heaping tablespoon of instant coffee into your cup before adding your usual amount of brewed very hot coffee and follow up with any additives. I add almond milk and a dollop or two of sweetener. Ice if desired. Voila! Better than Starbucks! Well, at least cheaper and just as effective 😁.

Anyway – today I decided might be getting mildly(?) addicted to all the caffeine so should maybe cut back, and actually used a decaf pod to make my coffee! Aren’t you proud?

Of course, I still added the full caffeine triple shot. I’m not an idiot.

When Good Leftovers Go Bad: A Study in Mold and Sanity

Assessing the condition of my refrigerator is a good way for me to determine exactly how busy/blue/tired/energetic/perky/efficient/sane/whatever I have been recently. Like many moms, I get busy and ignore the need for self-assessment so the ability to discern my own emotional state merely by opening the refrigerator is rather convenient. (And I don’t think I’m alone in this – can I hear an “AMEN”?)  If the interior is reasonably clean and the food is relatively fresh, I’m pretty optimistic about the day and can cheerfully and efficiently set aside those pesky concerns about progeny or spouses inadvertently poisoning themselves due to the tendency to grab and snorf edibles before actually observing or smelling said edibles.

However, I think it’s safe to say we can throw any little false efficiency scenarios right into our handy dandy 50 gallon trash today, because I just checked my fridge and discovered that certain no-longer-edibles have taken on entirely new states of being and are now capable of sentience. I paused with the fridge door open when I heard frightening conversational noises, and soon realized that we really need to move the TV out of the kitchen area because my leftovers seem to have become laden with B western dialogue as well as bacteria –

“Howdy, Broc.”

“How’s it goin’, Squashed?”

“Not bad. Gotta move a herd of pasta over to the south 40. Wanna lend a hand? Might have a few stray meatballs to round up, too – they’ve rolled out and gotten fuzzier than a cowpie in spring.”

“Happy to help, Broc, but how ‘bout that popped Tupperware lid over by old man Casserole’s place? We oughta burp that before them bad apples break through and infect the herd.”

“Time to get on it, Squashed! Saddle up that there rotten potato and let’s ride out.”

And then I heard – Star Trek? Seriously?

“Captain!  There’s a mold cluster here that I’ve never seen before!”           

“On screen, Mr. Chickenhov.”

“Great scott! Look at this, Mr. Spritzer! It appears to be . . .”

“Yes, Captain. It’s the infamous Unidentifiable Leftovers Cloud of Death. Life forms in the Cloud are generated spontaneously, behave unpredictably, and are usually deadly. Sliming their enemies is the only known form of communication. It would be illogical for us to survive any contact.”

“Bones!  Do we have a bacteria killer that will purge this thing?”

“Dang it, man! I’m a Doctor, not a garbage man! Get a scrubber and do it yourself!”

“Spritzer and Chickenhov, there appears to be no way around. We’ll have to burn through. Warp speed ahead!”  (Over the com.) “Spitty! We need more power!”

“This is all the juice she’s got, Captain! I’m doin’ all I can!”

“Incoming sludge! Set spatulas on stun! All decks brace for impact!”


But you get my point, which is . . . Sheesh – what is my point?  Oh, yes. That a mom’s emotional condition and level of functioning can be gauged and/or assessed by the condition of her refrigerator. As you see here, simply attempting to purge the fridge affected my delicate maternal equilibrium. So, faithful and loving husbands, do your wife a favor:  Check that fridge, check it often, check it thoroughly, and throw out anything evil-looking and anything that speaks (this does not include teenagers foraging in the interior). Don’t forget to wear your protective mask. And do NOT even THINK of eating the dark chocolate hidden in the crisper. EVER.