As parents of special needs children, we are undoubtedly our own harshest critics. We waste much of our thought time and precious energy debating the past – wondering if we could have or should have done a thing differently, taken a different approach, persisted more in some areas, less in others. Our own self-castigating voices rumble in the back of our minds questioning and regretting past actions even as we strive to live positively in the present and do our best to help establish viable futures for our loved ones. It’s a big load to carry.

I believe time travel shows such as Back to the Future and Doctor Who are popular because they feed the desire to change past choices that may (or may not) have ended better so we might no longer struggle with guilt or shame over decisions that can never be changed. In my own struggle with self-forgiveness, I have learned this: If we are truly to receive the grace God offers, embrace the present and move forward in hope and joy, we must give up hope for a better past.

We are, in fact, our own worst enemies in terms of grace. God’s command for us to love others as He loves us (John 13:34) indicates that He intends us to walk in compassion and mercy with those around us. In Mark 12:30-31 and Leviticus 19:18, God’s command extends to us loving others as we love ourselves, a clear indication for each of us to accept that we are no less a recipient of His mighty grace than anyone else.

I must point out here the obvious truth that most of us find it much easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves. And yet, who are we to refuse forgiveness to anyone, including ourselves, where God has so graciously given it? Are we above Him in any way? Is it our job to second-guess his judgement and mercy? Where God forgives, we are to forgive – including ourselves. If our repentance over wrong actions is real, then the release of God’s freely given grace should be directed inward as well as outward.

The gritty inner voices of self-recrimination just slow us down. The truth is that memories of things said and done will always be with us – the wonderful, powerful times as well as the dark moments and heinous mistakes. As difficult as it may be for us to let go of that which we cannot change, it can be done and – for the benefit of our special loved ones, all those we care for, and even ourselves – it should be done. With God’s help, we can learn to allow the darkness of past regret to drop away and choose the hope, clarity, and peace that He has for each of us.